Your Generals care passionately about your well-being and work tirelessly to ensure the world's transition from "hell-hole" to "Canadian paradise" will be as painless as possible. The wisdom of the Generals is a special resource available to everyone. If your homeland has been flooded and you need access to houseboat request forms, or if you would like to know more about the CWD bureaucracy, ask away! We encourage you to share personal dilemmas - A healthy mind equals a soldier who won't go wonky in the trenches. It's embarrassing for everyone when that happens.

General Claire answers: Many aviation enthusiasts and Canadian history buffs are fans of the delta wing Avro Canada CF-105 Arrow, first flown in 1958 and controversially scrapped the following year. What many people do not know however, is that the Arrow was only one of many Canadian innovations shelved by the federal government in response to international pressure. Recent archival work performed by a task force directed by your Generals has uncovered several Cold War vehicles the United Nations Security Council deemed so potentially dangerous to global security that the prototypes would subsequently be crated and hidden in the bowels of the Royal Ontario Museum. Yes, imagine that -- powerful Canadian innovations locked up beside the Ark of the Covenant and other ROM-rejected antiques!

General Jenny answers: While that pussy Louis St. Laurent didn't have the courage to stand up to the UN and outfit the Canadian military with the protoypes our task force rediscovered, your CWD leaders have no such fear. Soon the world will shake with terror or intense trepidation at the sight of the Seagram's CAN-10 HoverCanoe, the Canadian Tire HoverCrazyCarpet, and the Beaver Lumber X-11 Personal HoverToque. Hey, can you hear that humming in the distance? See those dark blurs hovering ten centimetres above the ground? Onward righteous soldiers!

General Claire answers: Beer is a sensitive subject in Canada and will continue to be so under our empire! Since Canadian beers are brewed with Canadian water -- truly a liquid more civilized than water of other nations -- a patriot wishing to consume an appropriately frothy, malty, nectar of the empire can't go wrong by choosing any Canadian beer. The fact that a national debate exists over the merits of the large corporations' products vs. the small microbrewery brands is largely due to the CWD propaganda division. When Canadians gather in large groups your tyrants prefer they discuss beer rather than items of governmental policy.

General Jenny answers: The current drinking age in Canada varies from 19 to 18 according to which province you are doing your drinking in. This information will soon become irrelevant as under Canadian World Domination all Canadian citizens will be eligible to receive free beer rations, regardless of age, in exchange for loyalty oaths. We believe a well-beered populace is a productive one.

General Claire answers: A compliant individual in an occupied zone! Besides whiskers on kittens, definitely one of my favourite things. I see no need to correct the upcoming aquarification of the St. Louis Blues. Surely their technique will improve underwater.

General Jenny answers: Don't forget, those losing their land to Horton Bay after CWD will be provided with houseboats should they desire to remain in their former location. A houseboat is an excellent place to sit back, enjoy a 50, and learn to love the Habs.

General Claire answers: Haven't you seen Witness starring Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis? I learned to cherish, not fear, the Amish. Why do so many fear the Amish? They can't fight back. When those fat bourgeois tourists put ice cream on Alexander Godunov's nose I got really cross. If you don't feel the pathos there, you don't have a heart.

General Jenny answers: Not surprisingly, Canada's Mennonites outperform America's Amish. Look to your Northern neighbours for barnraisings in half the time.

General Claire answers: Ed, your "compensation theory" seems credible. I have surveyed many American penises and have always found them slightly wanting both in length and thickness.

General Jenny answers: Yes, Canuck schlongs are markedly bigger when inspected. What's incredible is that this is still while they are shrunk from the cold. Think on that!

General Claire answers: Mike, it has honestly never occurred to me to wonder about that! I hope they're all okay. I'm sure they're okay. Fraggles are hardy little beasties.

General Jenny answers: Red and Mokey Fraggle were captured and encased in glass to be exhibited at the CBC Museum. For centuries man has oppressed people of felt. When will humanity learn? Just because you can stick your fist up someone's backside doesn't mean they don't have civil rights.

General Claire answers:
First, our sympathies concerning your current location. I hope you find comfort in the knowledge of the upcoming Canadian conquest. I urge you not to argue with the "educators" in your area. To know they are wrong is satisfaction enough. Please take notes of the times and places you experience incidents like the one you describe. The information will soon be useful to commanders of our occupying forces and you and your loved ones will be well rewarded.

General Jenny answers:
When I am frustrated by the ignorant I try visualization exercises: Your excellent General stomping those who oppose her, your excellent General being extremely bad ass, your excellent General reading the casuality listings and noting the numbers in our favour, your excellent General dining off the backs of enslaved peasants - warming thoughts like these. Try it yourself. You will gain the self -control to stay cool in intolerable conditions like American classrooms
.

General Claire answers:
Naomi, we call these people "retards". We reserve our pity and compassion for such individuals. Inform your "friend" of his upcoming assignment to CWD Special (Re)Education Facilities -- That is, if he can be made to understand (you might want to employ illustrative diagrams as a learning aid).

General Jenny answers:
Why would you spend time with someone who does not know the HNIC theme? If I were a more suspicious tyrant I would suspect you of deliberate association with the enemy. As it is, your letter has been added to a "file". (That's never a good thing).

General Claire answers:
I love to give marital advice. The best way to trick a husband is to not trick him at all. Sit your man down and tell him directly, "I am an agent of an imperialistic force. I plan to join my brethren in the promised land." Your well-reasoned arguments in favour of Canadian rule will convince a rational husband to pack up and move. If not, I hear that even American houses have basements in which bodies can be hidden.

General Jenny answers:
Congratulations on the division of labour in your household. Cooking is for boys. Women are naturally geared towards management of such an activity. There are many fine Canadian recipes to be found on maple syrup cans, Kraft Dinner boxes and Shreddies packets, but I suggest you print out our own CWD Recipes to use in your plan. The number of military terms in the naming scheme for our recipes will intrigue and arouse your husband. Men like war and things that sound war-related. Be prepared for a lot of sex in the coming weeks.

General Claire answers:
Gee. I don't know. Like, Sweden?

General Jenny answers:
I will personally execute anyone who leaves our fine web site to visit Taran's.

General Claire answers:
That brings up interesting questions about the role of totalitarian government in determining the creative direction of art within the Canadian empire. Basically, be misogynistic and street-wise as long as you provide French translation. For example: "Big pimping" is "Grand être souteneur."

General Jenny answers:
Far be it from me to deprive legendary rhyme master "Snow" of his only legitimate source of income. Long live slightly embarrassing white-bread Canuck rap.

General Claire answers:
Puke on the rug - Serious dilemma but fixable. Okay dude, here's what you do and you'd better move fast! Go get yourself a Canadian product called "Roto-Static Carpet Stain Remover" (manufactured by Robben Industries). Now this is stuff you should have used immediately on the fine Canadian carpet, but not everyone can be as wise as me. Pull off the rug to reveal the stain and dump a generous amount of product all over the vomit residue. Blot carefully! Dump some more product on. Blot some more! Unless your friend vomited ink or bleach the organic material should dissolve well, even if it has been dried for a while. This is the same stuff we use on the occasional vomit stains in our torture facilities. Yes, our torture facilities are carpeted. We aren't barbarians, you know.

General Jenny answers:
In the unlikely event that nothing can lift the stain you still have several options. If there is an animal or young child in your house, pull a pre-emptive strike by wetting the stain and covering it with paper towels. Run and get a parent and tell them indignantly, "Look what <name> did on my rug!" Put on your most vexed face and explain how you tried to clean it once you discovered it. Appeal to the parent for advice, "Will it ever come out!?" This works best on mothers; they are always pleased to see sons taking an interest in the welfare of carpets in the house.

General Claire answers:
It is true that one can be predisposed to being Canadian. The type of people who always complain that room temperature feels "too warm" have that "Canuck Gene" and should really be wearing flannel and living in a more civilized climate (Northern). Timothy, you can help further CWD by passing on these Canadian traits of yours to offspring. Have kids and raise them as loyal citizens of our new world order. This means you're going to have to score with a chick. You may want to consider changing your major.

General Jenny answers:
There is no such thing as "too polite" when we are at war. Enemies do not suspect people who say "please" and "thank you" of malevolence. Advantage: Canada!

General Claire answers:
Folks, remember - Your Generals are the alpha and the omega! If there is any "letting out of dogs" to be had it is by the will of your charitable and saintly tyrants alone.

General Jenny answers:
I'd rather know who let the Doge out. Patrician Andrea Gritti, if you're reading this call home; Titian wants a word.

General Claire answers:
It is important for all Canadians to remember the rights of the individual. Invasive procedures like arm-pit beautification are not in the spirit of our compassionate regime. Typical light punishments of our Draconian bureaucracy include shifts in our asbestos mines or the memorization of Margaret Laurence's "The Stone Angel". These are healthy, self-improving activities aimed at building a better people.

General Jenny answers:
A true Canadian would never spell colour without the crucial "u". This is one of the characteristics separating the chosen people from miscreants!

General Claire answers:
I would be Suntot monarch "Princess Lila". It's always good to see women with undemocratic authority over others represented on television.

General Jenny answers:
Smoggie villain and industrial baron "Emma" was the only interesting character on that show. The Suntots were commendable for their collective organization and co-operative approach to social programs, but short things give me the creeps.

General Claire answers:
Bud -- Stay right where you are. Canada is coming to you.

General Jenny answers:
While you are waiting for our troops to get down there, prepare the area. Tell everyone of the coming invasion and don't spare them a graphic description of Canada's legendary brutality. It is wise to prepare your woman too. If your American tart is not appropriately compliant she will have to be reassigned to some other male for Canadianization. Just giving you fair warning.

General Claire answers:
Decisions about hairstyles should not be taken lightly. You did well in coming to us. First you must choose a style you like. I suggest you find a photograph of this hairstyle to bring to your hairdresser. Visual aids always help! Be aware that what looks good on a beautiful woman like myself may not compliment the average citizen. Important Note: Don't cut it all off at once! The change can be too startling. Years ago I got my hair caught in a tractor wheel, that was a bad incident and no doubt about it.

General Jenny answers:
FIRST you should inquire as to the political history of this "stylist". Is she a reactionary? Is she an American in disguise? That is to say --- Does she belong to the Canadian Alliance? If you suspect your stylist of objectionable opinion DO NOT get in that chair! Your hair may be cut with awkward layers. The kind that always look puffy! We've heard stories about such incidents. That's all I'll say about that.

General Claire answers:
There is only one way to resolve this. Contact JoJo immediately. Along with "loving" you and "kissing" you she will use her Quebecois psychic powers to ameliorate this terrible situation.

General Jenny answers:
It's always in the last place you look, FOOL!
(I demand better screening of these letters. My time is precious.)

General Claire answers:
To attract a Canadian you must think like one! Be respectful, be polite. Watch "Due South" for pointers on proper posture. Try to develop self-esteem issues. Tell this woman, "I like you. Is that alright with you?" Cultivate an interest in Canadian micro-breweries. Tell her you loved "The Hanging Garden", she will be impressed by your taste in Canadian movies. (Don't worry about being found out, she hasn't seen it either, nobody's seen it, really.) If you get stuck say "So, Matthew Good is pretty cool, eh?" The "eh" asks for her validation. Canadian girls love to validate men. Personally, I have always found myself inexplicably attracted to men wearing the CWD t-shirt which can be conveniently purchased on this web site.

General Jenny answers:
You must take control of the situation. Tell your girl that you are going mountaineering and "Baby, would you come along and hold my rope?" Note that 'hold my rope' is a sexual metaphor. This will get her extremely hot. Surprise the girl by taking her camping, all Canadian women love following a man through the bush. Mention "bush" as much as possible, Canadians love puns. Remember black flies are your friends. Hot chicks always like to escape the bugs by skinny-dipping in fresh mountain streams. I make a point of doing just that a few times a week. It's just as sexy as in the beer commercials. Good luck! (Here's a tip for the unCanadian: The easiest women in Canada go to the University of Western Ontario.)

General Claire answers:
"Life is a Highway" scores highly when examined on several levels.

1) Canadian content in the mention of "Vancouver's lights".
2) Repetitive chorus can be used for indoctrination of the unCanadian. Particularly: "Gimme gimme gimme YEAH!"
3) Hardcore harmonica solo.
4) Clever rhymes like "highway" and "my way".

General Jenny answers:
I always get Tom Cochrane and Bif Naked confused.
One's a girl, I know that.

General Claire answers:
I'd be the one that transforms into -- SOMETHING TO KICK YOUR ASS WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? We are trying to use loving and kind interaction with the public to solve community issues here. You should have at least asked us which cast member of the "Smoggies!" we'd be.

General Jenny answers:
I'd be Soundwave. That was one stone cold robot.

Send your questions to the Generals!