The following three people are villains of the highest order; the worst of a sin-bath of nasty creeps Canadian World Domination staff has decided are no-good losers. Once we purge the evil headed by these daemon-spawn, we can be reborn as a purer society. One with good taste. And more "The Nature of Things with David Suzuki". And that cute boy from Jonovision (namely, Jono).

This man is evil. Truly evil. Not only is he not funny, but by mere accident and to our great shame, he was born in Canada. The Americans seem to like him, which is one of the reasons he needs to be dealt with. Severely dealt with. It won't be pretty. We are talking blowtorches and ant-hills here. It's impossible to undo the damage he has done to Canada's reputation as the birthplace of many fine celebrities (read: Gordon Lightfoot and the Dionne freaks) so we'll have to force the "comedian" to sign a confession detailing the deception of his life and the fact that he was really born in Belgium (where no doubt, he perfected his chronically unamusing "style" of "humour"). Then, after that's all settled, we'll kill him. Kill him good and dead...

Difficult to even look at her, isn't it? We apologize to our readers for this assault on the senses but we always like to provide images of our enemies so that loyal Canadians can play "spot the cultural heretic" and possibly engage in a little constructive vigilantism. Alanis' music is terrible. Her grasp of irony, extremely suspect -- and she's not even sure what city she is from (was that Ottawa or Oshawa, Alanis?). We all thought we had seen the last of her with "Too Hot To Hold", but she survived our assassination attempts and later surfaced on the Billboard charts, a false goddess for 13-15 year old girls everywhere who are too young and naive to have developed taste (or good sense). We realize this is alarming, dear readers, but fear not, she will be "taken care of" in the blood-thirsty manner we reserve for all ex-Canadians who shame the nation.

Again, we must apologize for the shock to the system that a close-up of that favourite of the mediocre set, Celine Dion, brings to honest Canadian patriots. Worse than boring, actually in a category of her own, the "sub-boring", Celine is a true menace to not only fine Canadian music, but music in a general sense. Upon close inspection it seems almost impossible for one woman to have spread such evil in such a short time -- her recent associations with the uber-cliche wonder-hit "Titanic" no doubt helping in this regard -- but all must realize that as Canada has spawned the truly greatest people on earth, there is a tendency for our villains to be of the same, albeit perverted, magnitude. Celine's songs, at the same time insipid and uninspiring, are soothing only to middle-aged idiots who adore angel dolls made out of yarn and who probably quote from "Forrest Gump". Of course, another category of Dion-fan, the "young ignorant", is composed of stray youth who identify with Celine's so-called 'romantic' themes and unoffensive, non-threatening platitudes. This is horribly sad and we can only attempt to re-educate this youth, or failing that, dispose of them in an orderly manner. Celine, once captured and forced to confess to her crimes against humanity, will be sent to a detention area where trained and polite professionals will ensure that her heart does not go on...

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