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The
2000 Summer Olympics are underway!
Canadian athletes are the only folks in Sydney who can
make coming in 6th and 23rd look good. Just having a Canadian
compete in a particular event brings a touch of class
to proceedings. The fact that our boys and girls are a
hell of a lot cuter
than all the other athletes is probably due to something
in the water. Hey, who knew E-coli had beneficial side-effects?
Even
if we get our asses kicked in most sports save rowing,
there are a few categories where Canada comes out on top
most resoundly. What we lack in medals we make up for
with "cool". After all, countries like China
and America just look like they're trying too hard. Nobody
likes keeners!
Here's
an evaluation of how Team Canada stacks up against our
neighbours Team USA in some of the truly important events
of the Olympic games ...
Fashion
USA
"Emergency exits are here and here ..."
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CANADA
"Not embarrassed to be seen in public!"
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Team
USA has chosen to go with the "flight attendant"
look this year. Strangely, the cowboy hat really
ties together the schoolmarm skirt and chiffon
scarf. Note the emblem on the blazer - If Hell
has a yacht club, this is what the members are
wearing.
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In
khakis and vests, Team CANADA says, "Hey,
we're athletes." Avoiding the cringe-worthy
duds seen on other nations, Canada's Olympians
are stylin'. The floppy hats have what those in
the know call "attitude". They cry,
"Bring it on baby, bring it on!"
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Sex
Appeal
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USA
"Scary Mesomorph Gymnasts"
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CANADA
"Hot Canadian Babes"
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Freaky
prepubescent kids with alarmingly large shoulders
who've been coached to believe it is "heroic"
to compete when injured. As one staffer here commented,
"They don't make horses jump when
they get hurt." Well puddin', horses are
expensive.
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Ms.
Waneek Horn-Miller !
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Australia's
Choice
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USA
"They did this to Mel Gibson ..."
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CANADA
"Commonwealth Buddies"
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America
took a perfectly good Mel Gibson and put him in
an embarrassingly crummy movie. The story was
based on a guy who raped slaves and hunted people
for sport, but that's only one of many fun historical
inaccuracies found in the film. Under CWD, Mel
will be instructed to return to Australia for
work on the upcoming feature film: "Mad Max
4: We're All Getting On Well Now That Canada Runs
Things"
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Fellow
members of the Commonwealth of Nations, Australia
and Canada somehow managed to forge history without
slaughtering the British. Rumours of a conspiracy
between the two nations are justified. At the
Olympic games, athletes often work together to
intimidate and defeat opponents.
AUS:
"Yo C, I got your back!"
CAN: "Word, TripleA!"
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History
of Winning...
USA
"Sports
where you get to shoot crap up"
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CANADA
"The coolest sports"
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Nancy
Johnson, Air Rifle
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Ross
"second-hand smoke" Rebagliati, Snowboarding
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Olympics
on Television
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NBC
"You watch what we choose."
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CBC
"And now ... Three hours of beach volleyball
preliminary rounds!"
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-
Evil corporate entity
- Features taped excerpts
- There are other countries at the Olympics?
- As #1 financial backer of the IOC, in bed with
Samaranch to bury drug scandal news
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Public broadcaster
- Features live coverage
- Extensive coverage of events and athletes
- Won't stop mentioning Ben Johnson
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