Canadian World Domination

The re-organization of society is a delicate and vital task. We must be certain to ensure that the New World of Canuck Splendor can be passed on to future Canadian generations. We must also be certain to ensure that all traces of anti-Canadian sentiment are cleansed from the collective Canuck bloodstream.

Doing my bit!

1. All non-Canadians will be rounded up and brainwashed via the clever use of the following: Well-reasoned and orderly bilingual arguments in favour of Canada, Tragically Hip CDs, Wendy Mesley, and finally, generous injections of Tim Hortons coffee ... Should these tactics fail, the un-affected subject will be politely convinced into either committing suicide, or working for CAN-CO in the government-owned asbestos factories of Quebec.

2. For those countries with larger populations, the use of video screens is recommended, on which Sloan videos, "Goin' Down The Road", "Road To Avonlea: The Final Season", "Hard Core Logo" and the NFB's "The Cat Came Back" can be played to the gathered masses.

3. World Society will be then grouped into two main bodies. The people judged to be Canadian-friendly (whether from our cagey brainwashing or from pure fear of Canuck force), and The Others.

4. The Others who are detained by the government will be given the choice of the two options listed in point one above. The Others who remain roaming about, trying to start trouble or their own tiny terrorist organizations, will be tolerated for a short time. They will be used to make propaganda films for the Canadian government which will film the capture and heroic arrests of the non-Canuck fugitives by the RCMP. Smile for the camera kids!

Teamwork!

5. Those friendly to Canadian concerns will be preferentially treated -- given full doughnut privileges and a Canadian Tire card. Troublemakers watch out; anyone attempting to bring the structure down from the inside will receive a serious smack and a lecture about "Trying To Mess With The State".

6. In the New World Society, we expect everyone to pursue their dreams provided they are of a Canadian-related nature. Employment areas we believe will experience booms in the coming years are: Canadian-Only Music Retailers (more people should listen to Canuck tunes...no make that, "All shall listen to Canuck tunes"), the CBC (NO more cuts, ever...in fact, the CBC now has carte blanche to spend on experimental television, Peter Mansbridge, "Street Cents", dramas with Tanya Allen in them, documentaries on salmon, bittersweet prairie romances, and the indefatigable Daniel Richler), the armed forces (who else is going to bravely subdue the world? Who else will force Farley Mowat novels down the throats of new Canadians?), and linguists (their services will be needed in translating the cereal boxes of the world into both French and English).

7. We firmly believe that the result of Canadian conquest will be a united global force of calm, community-minded, Globe and Mail-reading, Quebec-loving, Molson Canadian beer shirt-wearing, blood-donating, polite, environmentally-concerned people reluctantly willing to endure lengthy diplomatic wars over our fishing rights but who would rather stay home and barbeque on the patio. This is our vision.

Give blood!

8. "Multi-culturalism". Naturally as tolerant people, we here at Canadian World Domination are not adverse to the concept of multi-culturalism. We do not advocate the abolition of diverse religions, languages or festivals - We are especially fond of the beer-related parts of Oktoberfest - However, the mandate of our organization is to bring about the Canadianization of the world. So, under the umbrella of CWD we support many varied lifestyles but insist that they include loyalty to the state and its laws, and the consumption of Timbits or viewing of "The Log Driver's Waltz" regularly. NOTE: American rhetoric or jingoism is not protected -- for the simple reason that Canadian rhetoric and jingoism is far superior.

8. Concerning the use of "eh": it's now a legal imperative. According to new Canadian-Content regulations, all speech must include the use of "eh" 4 times per 10 sentences. NOTE: the RCMP like to give out "Good Canadian" stickers to anyone found exceeding the limit.

Enjoy your new life as a Canadian! Partake of the many pleasure of citizenship! And for those lucky to be born Canadian -- grab a 'battle buddy' and help us get started!

Next: Part 5!